With Feet Unsure...walking the valley, following the sunbeams

Sometimes an elephant sits heavily on my chest making it hard to breathe.
Sometimes my eyes unexpectedly, suddenly, flood with tears.... catching me off guard as they flow down my cheeks, fierce and brief as a summer storm.
Sometimes a knife repeatedly stabs at my heart, as the searing pain of loss makes its presence known in the midst of an ordinary task.

But, also....

Sometimes I laugh out loud with delight at the words or funny actions of my grandchildren.
Sometimes gratitude floods my soul like sunshine, warming me with the memories of blessings past and awareness of blessings still present,
Sometimes peace wraps me like a fuzzy blanket and I feel the prayers of friends being lifted for me.

Sometimes all of these moments happen on the same day.

                                        "I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
                                 In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
                               And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on
                                       For I am guided by the Faithful One."

This song, Faithful One by Selah, has spoken to my soul as I have been learning to walk without Bob  these past weeks.  In all of my past journey, even in the hardest times, I have been one of two....no, really, one half of a whole. God's design for marriage is that the two should become one, and for more than two thirds of my life I have been half of BobandDeborah (or BobbyandDebbie, as we were in our early years).
                                                                         

 Now, I am missing the better half of me, and I must learn to navigate without Bob's steady, patient, loving, laughing, hopeful, faithful, kind presence beside me. I read in a blog for widows that when our spouse dies, the person we were with them also dies.
How could it not be, if we were truly one? And so, my journey continues while learning to be a new, single self.... with feet unsure but trusting that my Faithful One is still in control of my life and is guiding and steadying my steps.

A week after Bob went home to heaven, I was walking in the neighborhood, a route we had so often walked together this past year and a half since moving here. I was very aware that this was my first walk as a widow, alone.
 As I was thinking this, the Holy Spirit whispered gently in my spirit, "No, never alone, no, never alone. You've promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone".   *(see link below to listen)

 An old hymn, not sung in years, yet there in my subconscious, waiting for the Spirit to assure me with its truth that as God's precious child , I am not alone even now. And, as I softly sang and walked, more songs came to me, Just a Closer Walk with Thee, I Must Tell Jesus, What a Friend We Have in Jesus, Great is Thy Faithfulness....and the sky became bluer and the sun shone more brightly, and the wind caressed my face more softly and I walked in thanksgiving and even in joy.

I began this year, 2017, as I have the past few years, by choosing one word to purposefully focus my life, my thoughts, my goals and responses on, one word to set as my challenge for the year. My word was "GLORIFY". Throughout God's Word, His people are exhorted to glorify Him in all they do, in all they say, in their very innermost being. John Piper's book, Desiring God, bases his theme on the Westminster catechism, "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever". Piper states that we glorify God by enjoying Him. 
                                                                         
I wrote in my journal that in 2017 my daily goal was to every day purposefully seek to see grace, give thanks, and choose joy, for in doing these three things, I believe I will glorify God. I wrote: "I do not know what joys or sorrows, mountains or valleys await in the coming days. But, I know the Holy Spirit has led me to pursue joy this year. To study it, seek to understand it, but mostly to manifest it in my life. Not as an end in itself, but because only through joy does my life GLORIFY God. "

                                                                                 

In a recent conference, Beth Moore quoted C.S. Lewis, who wrote, "Gratitude exclaims, very properly, "How good of God to give me this". Adoration says, What must be the quality of that Being whose far off and momentary coruscations* are like this! One's mind runs back up the sunbeam to the sun".  I am seeking to go beyond even seeing grace, giving thanks and choosing joy to learning to follow the sunbeam of each gift, each small blessing, each moment of thanksgiving and joy back up to the sun, to truly adore and glorify the Source!
   ( *I had to look up coruscations: the definition included "a sudden gleam, a flash of light; sparkle and glitter"....I love this! The beauty and grace and gifts and mercies and small joys of our lives are just sparkles and glitter, flashes of God's great and marvelous light--His glory!

                                                                       

   
In all the losses in my life of this year, my mom, my dad, now the greatest loss of Bob , God has sent His sunbeams and given me eyes to see His hand of grace working through all the circumstances in every situation. He has enabled me to find so many things to give Him thanks for each day. And, even in the valley of sorrow, I have been able to choose joy often. God's Word comforts, encourages, challenges, uplifts me. I read in Psalm 84:5-7, "Blessed are those whose strength is in Thee, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. As they go through the valley of Baca they make it a place of springs...they go from strength to strength". 

Each of us in our lives will all pass through the valley of Baca (a valley of loss, of weeping, of desolation). The reasons and circumstances may differ, but no one escapes this life without some experience in the valley, and the context implies that we will pass through Baca more than once as we journey. But, the hope and assurance is that we pass through, we don't settle down and live in the valley! And the challenge and the hope is that as we pass through, for those whose strength  is in the Lord, we will make this desolate place a place of springs....a place of renewal and refreshment and beauty and hope for not only ourselves but for others.
                                                                             

 It is early days yet. I do not know what lies before me. I do not know how this journey through the valley will look in the days to come. I am at the beginning of the valley road and can only speak to this moment. But, for today, I walk with feet unsure while trusting the Faithful One who walks with me . I keep my eyes open for the sunbeams of His grace so that I may follow them up to the Source.  My prayer is that God will use this for His glory and for my good and for the encouragement of others along the way.

** Here is a version of No, Never Alone that I enjoyed when searching for it on youtube:
No, Never Alone

FAITHFUL

                                                           
Nearly three years ago I began this blog with these words:
       "From one moment to the next, the journey is altered. From the expected path to the sudden detour, from the smooth flow of everyday living to the jagged upheaval of a life interrupted, from the easy assumption of the future to the hard reality of morality, we have had our steps diverted into a path unknown, a path unsought, a path unwelcome.  But, a path know to our God, allowed through His loving hands, and therefore to be accepted and used to His glory.

The journey is coming to an end soon.

I have written of finding joy

of choosing to live each day as a treasure...

    I have written of the anchor that sustains us...

of learning to walk without fainting..

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but as we are on this last mile, I have few words.

We have walked this journey together, Bob and I,
                 with laughter and tears,
                             with prayers and songs,
                               with thanksgiving for the many blessings along the way

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         and we have enjoyed so many adventures over this past nearly three years while living with a diagnosis of terminal cancer.
       

                                               

but this last mile we are each on our own parallel journey and we cannot go together.

Our paths are diverging, as he is doing the hard work of leaving this temporary dwelling to enter his forever home, and I can only observe and comfort, but I must walk a different path, a path I can't even begin to process and put into words.

So today, I have no poetic thoughts to share, no carefully crafted word pictures, no metaphors or similes or clever phrases. But I have this truth, this truth that holds me when I cannot hold on....
God has been and God is and God will be FAITHFUL to us as we face this last and very hard and very lonely part of this journey.

When I have no strength for what must be done, He is my strength.
When I can't see clearly the path ahead, He is my light.
When my world feels shaken, He is my rock.
When I feel afraid, He is my hiding place.
When I feel alone, He is my comforter and my companion.
When I look back on this road we've traveled, the shining banner over all of it proclaims,
          GOD IS FAITHFUL! GOD IS FAITHFUL! GOD IS FAITHFUL!


Thank you, my dear, dear friends for your prayers for us on this journey. Heaven is very near for Bob, and we rest in your continued prayers and love as we lean into our Father's faithfulness.
                                                                      

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed , for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:21-23



Today's the Day!

      The sunshine streams through the corner windows as I sit in my favorite chair in my loft retreat, claiming some quiet time to process the past several weeks.

                                                                           

      In just a short period of time, we have experienced both the highs and lows of this journey called life.  

       We have thrilled to the news that our family has the promise of not one, but two, new grandchildren to be added this July, as both our daughter and daughter in law are expecting.
                                                                                  

      We have learned that Bob' s chemo was no longer being effective in controlling his cancer and would be stopped.  We were given the hope that a new treatment might be effective and he was able to receive that treatment.


      We grieved the rapid progress of my moms Alzheimer's, robbing us of even the ability to keep in touch with her as she lost all her awareness.

      We enjoyed special times with dear friends for whom we are so thankful, and we had many days of enjoying our family and just being together.

                                                                                                                             

                                                                             

    

       And in the past 14 days Bob has celebrated his 70th birthday, a day the doctors didn't expect him to see,

       we have buried my mom as God graciously released her from her earthly prison,

            we have had a wonderful, long- planned trip to Key West,

                we have learned that more tumors have appeared and Bob will  have another radioembolism treatment on his liver and

           will also begin taking a new medication in pill form to try and stop the cancer's growth,

       and we have enjoyed the hugs and laughter of our grandsons in our home and the smiles and waves of our granddaughter on FaceTime.

                                                   

 

 

 

 

 

   

 And life goes on and the journey continues and the anchor holds and giving thanks and choosing joy remains our response.

      On our trip to Key West we visited the Mel Fisher Maritime Museum, which tells the story of this mans remarkable quest to find the sunken Spanish galleon Atocha, buried in the deep waters off of Key West .  Loaded with unimaginable treasure of gold, silver, other precious metals and jewels, this ship had eluded discovery for nearly 400 years, but Mel Fisher was committed to finding it, persevering through many hardships and deep personal loss.

                                                                                

 On his office desk sat a wooden sign with his motto for the search, the words he said to his crew every single day that they went out to sea during his more than 16 year search for the treasure, "Today's the day!"  And his search was rewarded on July 20, 1985, when he finally discovered the 1/2 billion dollar treasure trove!

                                      

        As I stared at the replica of the sign, I thought how " Today's the day" is a great motto for our lives. We also seek a treasure, but our treasure is not gold or silver or precious jewels, it is far, far more important and of infinitely greater value.

                                                                            

.     We seek the treasure of daily moments of grace, of precious jewels of time spent with family and friends, of seeing God's glory on display in His beautiful creation, and in the love and compassion of His people, of the golden assurance that we are held in His hand every moment and He is always at work on our behalf.

      Our treasure is His word in our hearts, His promises in our souls, His Spirit giving us assurance and power in our spirits as we journey through the highs and lows of life.  Our treasure is unseen but assured, it has been paid for in the blood of our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ,  and secured through His resurrection, it is waiting for us in Heaven but also given daily in the earnest money of each moment that we have eyes to see His hand, His heart, His grace in our lives.

                                                                             

     "Today's the day!"to claim the treasure that is offered to us, freely and lovingly and expansively, if we will only choose to lay hold of it.  I am choosing to get up every morning from now on with the expectation of finding treasure, boldly proclaiming as a reminder to myself, "Today's the day!"

I will daily choose to give thanks, to choose joy, to see grace all around me, and if I do this, the treasure will be mine!                                                 

                                                                     
  One of my favorite hymns by one of my favorite groups, Selah, seems appropriate for this talk on treasure!          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKByTfiHOFE

CHRISTMAS, HALLMARK MOVIES AND JOY

Christmas….it brings all the feelings, doesn’t it? No other day of the year is weighted with such depths of emotions as this one day.

Especially the older I get, the more changes I’ve experienced, the more joys and sorrows that have been my lot as I’ve walked this journey of life, the more memories that fill my heart and spill out in bright, shining rays but also those that seep out in grief darkened shadows….the laughter and the tears, the happiness and the hurts, the sunlit mountaintops and the valleys so deep I thought I would never see the light again….somehow it all culminates at Christmas.

                                                                      

                                                                               

It’s the “most wonderful time of the year”.
   It’s the time of year that the most suicides are committed.

It’s the time of families and friends gathering.
   It’s the time that those that are absent are most keenly missed.

It’s the time of excitement and anticipation and gifts piled high.
    It’s the time of disappointment, of unmet expectations, of anxiety and pressure.

It’s the time of year that all that is right and all that is wrong in our lives are brought into sharper focus.
For me, as a child, Christmas was truly a time of wonder and mystery, a time of secrets and surprises, a time of delicious, once a year treats, of special songs about angels and baby Jesus, and of snowmen and Santa, a time of decorations that glimmered and glowed and turned our home, our stores, our town into a wonderland of delight.




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My parents created an amazing Christmas every year for my brother and me, a Christmas that dreams are made of, filled with love and safety and cherished traditions. I was so blessed to truly have the ideal Christmas as a child, and I couldn’t comprehend that my experience was not shared by everyone.

My grandmother lived with us most of my childhood, and my main memories of her are this...
she prayed on her knees every night beside the bed in the room we shared,
she sang sad sounding songs of heaven while she washed dishes,
and she always cried at Christmas.
                                                                   
Every year, I saw my grandmother cry, and I never understood why.  I didn’t understand that my grandmother cried for what had been, and for what should have been and never was. She cried for memories of Christmas past, the bitter that outweighed the sweet, for family members now gone, for dreams unrealized and love that left, for the weight of all the hard years and for fear of the future. It was the one shadow on my childhood Christmases, my grandmothers tears, a whisper that all might not always be “merry and bright” for me.
                      

                                                                      

Only as an adult have I understood my grandmothers tears. Hard things seem harder at Christmas. Grief is more acute. Disappointments are deeper. Unmet expectations stand in even sharper relief against the “all comes right with the world” plot of a Hallmark movie, the Pinterest crafted, magazine cover decorated, Norman Rockwell- perfect -family idealized version of Christmas that has been sold to us as the normal experience of this one day.

This year it is even more poignant, as my mom is in an Alzheimer’s unit at an assisted living. The mom who made my childhood Christmas so magical now doesn’t even know it is Christmas. Her memories are gone, her awareness of her family is severely impaired, her ability to enjoy even simple pleasures has been robbed by this terrible disease. I hear “I’ll be Home for Christmas” on the radio and tears well up and spill down my cheeks as I know that the one thing my mom is aware of is that she wants to go home, and she can’t.
                                                                 
  

                                                                           

                                                                                                                 

                                          
At the same time, even as the tears flow, I choose to be thankful for all that was. I grieve what is lost but the grief is mixed with gratitude and also with hope, yes and even with joy, for I know that someday my mom will be released from the prison of Alzheimer’s and will experience a joy that we cannot comprehend here on earth, a joy that will more than outweigh all of her present suffering.

This year I am so conscious that JOY is the true message of Christmas.

The carols proclaim it over and over:

Joyful, joyful we adore thee…Joy to the World, the Lord is come…Long desired of every nation, Joy of every waiting heart…Good Christian men, rejoice, with heart and soul and voice…Joyful all ye nations rise, join the triumph of the skies…O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant…o tidings of comfort and joy…
Over and over and over again, JOY is the message of Christmas.

                                   

And yet, how often I have missed it. I look back over the years and realize I’ve put both too many expectations and too few on this day.

I’ve made too much of decorations and gifts and food and people and expectations and perfections.
I’ve made too little of reflecting on how Christmas answers the deepest longing of my heart,
           heals the deepest wounds in my spirit,
                            fills the deepest emptiness in my soul,
                                                     answers the most profound questions of my life.

With all the emotions of Christmas that we feel, sometime we forget that JOY is the gift that came wrapped in swaddling clothes, contained in a newborn’s soft flesh, joy that transcends all that is not right in our world.

“The weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn”.

Yes, our own personal world can feel weary from the weight of the problems and disappointments and deep hurts we carry within and Christmas can be just another weight that is added to the load, but if we will allow it room JOY will break in. “Let every heart, prepare Him room, and heaven and nature sing”.

We’ve not given enough thought to the message of the angel to the shepherds. The message could have been, "I bring you news of great hope ," or "I bring you news of great peace", both of which are true. But, God chose to tell the angel to announce to the shepherds this news:

“Behold, I bring you news of a great joy which shall be to all the people.” Luke 2:10

                                                                             

At this time, this Christmas in my life, I am choosing JOY. I like Rick Warren’s definition of Christian joy, “Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation.”
 John Piper defines joy as “a good feeling in the soul, produced by the Holy Spirit, as he causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world.” But, he acknowledges that this feeling is in the soul, not always felt in the body and that sometimes it co-exists with sorrow and grief.

For the past two years I have been trying to learn to live, not for the next adventure, not to change the world, not endlessly planning the future, but just to enjoy each moment, being present in the now, living eucharisteo each day---giving thanks, seeing grace, choosing joy.

And it is only because of Christmas that I can live this way.

Only because God came down, at a particular point in time, in a particular place,
and entered into the humanity He had created, 
subjecting Himself to the very life that we live in all its wonder and sorrow and joy and grief and pleasure and disappointments and every single feeling that we feel at Christmas and all the year long….                                                         

                                                                     

God with us!!!!!!
                                                                              
God as a little helpless infant, birthed as we all are in the pain of his mother, entering a hostile world defenseless and vulnerable, in order to be the gift that we all most need.

God, squeezed out through a birth canal, drawing breath into a life that would become our life’s breath.

“I bring you tidings of great JOY”.     God with us!!!    JESUS!     That is the joy!

Because he was made helpless, we never have to be.

Because he entered the darkness, we can enter His light.

Because he was wounded, we can be healed of every hurt in our past.

Because he emptied himself to become like us, we can be filled with all that he imparts to us----love, joy, peace, forgiveness, no condemnation, unity with the Father, and a forever home with Him where there is no sorrow, only JOY.
                                           
As I was writing this, my dad called to tell me that his doctor has given him unexpected news, that he has advanced cancer and should call in hospice. He spoke bravely, with thanksgiving for the good years he has had, for the change in his life once he was saved, with assurance that he knows where he is going. But, it is hard news.

A family friend called this week to tell me that after many months of prayers and hope for recovery, her beloved grandson, a young man with so much promise, has died. She knows he is with Jesus, but it will be a difficult Christmas for her family and I hurt for them.

Other dear friends face every Christmas missing their precious daughter, a beautiful young woman who delighted in this time of year and whose absence is felt especially poignantly in the glow of the Christmas lights, and we grieve for them.

Bob and I, although enjoying each day and having a wonderful time with our grandchildren, still live in the shadow of his cancer with the chemo no longer working and not knowing if the new treatment will be effective.

No, life is not a Hallmark Christmas movie, but the message of the angel is still true, for all of us.

               “Behold, I bring you tidings of a great JOY, that shall be for ALL people”.

Because of Christmas, there is joy in the journey,
                 there is hope for the future,
                               and there is grace in the present moment.

     And when I choose to focus on those truths, it is enough.

I wish each of you a Christmas that is more than a Hallmark movie, a Christmas filled with JOY!