With Feet Unsure...walking the valley, following the sunbeams

Sometimes an elephant sits heavily on my chest making it hard to breathe.
Sometimes my eyes unexpectedly, suddenly, flood with tears.... catching me off guard as they flow down my cheeks, fierce and brief as a summer storm.
Sometimes a knife repeatedly stabs at my heart, as the searing pain of loss makes its presence known in the midst of an ordinary task.

But, also....

Sometimes I laugh out loud with delight at the words or funny actions of my grandchildren.
Sometimes gratitude floods my soul like sunshine, warming me with the memories of blessings past and awareness of blessings still present,
Sometimes peace wraps me like a fuzzy blanket and I feel the prayers of friends being lifted for me.

Sometimes all of these moments happen on the same day.

                                        "I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
                                 In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
                               And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on
                                       For I am guided by the Faithful One."

This song, Faithful One by Selah, has spoken to my soul as I have been learning to walk without Bob  these past weeks.  In all of my past journey, even in the hardest times, I have been one of two....no, really, one half of a whole. God's design for marriage is that the two should become one, and for more than two thirds of my life I have been half of BobandDeborah (or BobbyandDebbie, as we were in our early years).
                                                                         

 Now, I am missing the better half of me, and I must learn to navigate without Bob's steady, patient, loving, laughing, hopeful, faithful, kind presence beside me. I read in a blog for widows that when our spouse dies, the person we were with them also dies.
How could it not be, if we were truly one? And so, my journey continues while learning to be a new, single self.... with feet unsure but trusting that my Faithful One is still in control of my life and is guiding and steadying my steps.

A week after Bob went home to heaven, I was walking in the neighborhood, a route we had so often walked together this past year and a half since moving here. I was very aware that this was my first walk as a widow, alone.
 As I was thinking this, the Holy Spirit whispered gently in my spirit, "No, never alone, no, never alone. You've promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone".   *(see link below to listen)

 An old hymn, not sung in years, yet there in my subconscious, waiting for the Spirit to assure me with its truth that as God's precious child , I am not alone even now. And, as I softly sang and walked, more songs came to me, Just a Closer Walk with Thee, I Must Tell Jesus, What a Friend We Have in Jesus, Great is Thy Faithfulness....and the sky became bluer and the sun shone more brightly, and the wind caressed my face more softly and I walked in thanksgiving and even in joy.

I began this year, 2017, as I have the past few years, by choosing one word to purposefully focus my life, my thoughts, my goals and responses on, one word to set as my challenge for the year. My word was "GLORIFY". Throughout God's Word, His people are exhorted to glorify Him in all they do, in all they say, in their very innermost being. John Piper's book, Desiring God, bases his theme on the Westminster catechism, "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever". Piper states that we glorify God by enjoying Him. 
                                                                         
I wrote in my journal that in 2017 my daily goal was to every day purposefully seek to see grace, give thanks, and choose joy, for in doing these three things, I believe I will glorify God. I wrote: "I do not know what joys or sorrows, mountains or valleys await in the coming days. But, I know the Holy Spirit has led me to pursue joy this year. To study it, seek to understand it, but mostly to manifest it in my life. Not as an end in itself, but because only through joy does my life GLORIFY God. "

                                                                                 

In a recent conference, Beth Moore quoted C.S. Lewis, who wrote, "Gratitude exclaims, very properly, "How good of God to give me this". Adoration says, What must be the quality of that Being whose far off and momentary coruscations* are like this! One's mind runs back up the sunbeam to the sun".  I am seeking to go beyond even seeing grace, giving thanks and choosing joy to learning to follow the sunbeam of each gift, each small blessing, each moment of thanksgiving and joy back up to the sun, to truly adore and glorify the Source!
   ( *I had to look up coruscations: the definition included "a sudden gleam, a flash of light; sparkle and glitter"....I love this! The beauty and grace and gifts and mercies and small joys of our lives are just sparkles and glitter, flashes of God's great and marvelous light--His glory!

                                                                       

   
In all the losses in my life of this year, my mom, my dad, now the greatest loss of Bob , God has sent His sunbeams and given me eyes to see His hand of grace working through all the circumstances in every situation. He has enabled me to find so many things to give Him thanks for each day. And, even in the valley of sorrow, I have been able to choose joy often. God's Word comforts, encourages, challenges, uplifts me. I read in Psalm 84:5-7, "Blessed are those whose strength is in Thee, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. As they go through the valley of Baca they make it a place of springs...they go from strength to strength". 

Each of us in our lives will all pass through the valley of Baca (a valley of loss, of weeping, of desolation). The reasons and circumstances may differ, but no one escapes this life without some experience in the valley, and the context implies that we will pass through Baca more than once as we journey. But, the hope and assurance is that we pass through, we don't settle down and live in the valley! And the challenge and the hope is that as we pass through, for those whose strength  is in the Lord, we will make this desolate place a place of springs....a place of renewal and refreshment and beauty and hope for not only ourselves but for others.
                                                                             

 It is early days yet. I do not know what lies before me. I do not know how this journey through the valley will look in the days to come. I am at the beginning of the valley road and can only speak to this moment. But, for today, I walk with feet unsure while trusting the Faithful One who walks with me . I keep my eyes open for the sunbeams of His grace so that I may follow them up to the Source.  My prayer is that God will use this for His glory and for my good and for the encouragement of others along the way.

** Here is a version of No, Never Alone that I enjoyed when searching for it on youtube:
No, Never Alone

FAITHFUL

                                                           
Nearly three years ago I began this blog with these words:
       "From one moment to the next, the journey is altered. From the expected path to the sudden detour, from the smooth flow of everyday living to the jagged upheaval of a life interrupted, from the easy assumption of the future to the hard reality of morality, we have had our steps diverted into a path unknown, a path unsought, a path unwelcome.  But, a path know to our God, allowed through His loving hands, and therefore to be accepted and used to His glory.

The journey is coming to an end soon.

I have written of finding joy

of choosing to live each day as a treasure...

    I have written of the anchor that sustains us...

of learning to walk without fainting..

.

but as we are on this last mile, I have few words.

We have walked this journey together, Bob and I,
                 with laughter and tears,
                             with prayers and songs,
                               with thanksgiving for the many blessings along the way

,

          

   

         and we have enjoyed so many adventures over this past nearly three years while living with a diagnosis of terminal cancer.
       

                                               

but this last mile we are each on our own parallel journey and we cannot go together.

Our paths are diverging, as he is doing the hard work of leaving this temporary dwelling to enter his forever home, and I can only observe and comfort, but I must walk a different path, a path I can't even begin to process and put into words.

So today, I have no poetic thoughts to share, no carefully crafted word pictures, no metaphors or similes or clever phrases. But I have this truth, this truth that holds me when I cannot hold on....
God has been and God is and God will be FAITHFUL to us as we face this last and very hard and very lonely part of this journey.

When I have no strength for what must be done, He is my strength.
When I can't see clearly the path ahead, He is my light.
When my world feels shaken, He is my rock.
When I feel afraid, He is my hiding place.
When I feel alone, He is my comforter and my companion.
When I look back on this road we've traveled, the shining banner over all of it proclaims,
          GOD IS FAITHFUL! GOD IS FAITHFUL! GOD IS FAITHFUL!


Thank you, my dear, dear friends for your prayers for us on this journey. Heaven is very near for Bob, and we rest in your continued prayers and love as we lean into our Father's faithfulness.
                                                                      

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed , for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:21-23



Today's the Day!

      The sunshine streams through the corner windows as I sit in my favorite chair in my loft retreat, claiming some quiet time to process the past several weeks.

                                                                           

      In just a short period of time, we have experienced both the highs and lows of this journey called life.  

       We have thrilled to the news that our family has the promise of not one, but two, new grandchildren to be added this July, as both our daughter and daughter in law are expecting.
                                                                                  

      We have learned that Bob' s chemo was no longer being effective in controlling his cancer and would be stopped.  We were given the hope that a new treatment might be effective and he was able to receive that treatment.


      We grieved the rapid progress of my moms Alzheimer's, robbing us of even the ability to keep in touch with her as she lost all her awareness.

      We enjoyed special times with dear friends for whom we are so thankful, and we had many days of enjoying our family and just being together.

                                                                                                                             

                                                                             

    

       And in the past 14 days Bob has celebrated his 70th birthday, a day the doctors didn't expect him to see,

       we have buried my mom as God graciously released her from her earthly prison,

            we have had a wonderful, long- planned trip to Key West,

                we have learned that more tumors have appeared and Bob will  have another radioembolism treatment on his liver and

           will also begin taking a new medication in pill form to try and stop the cancer's growth,

       and we have enjoyed the hugs and laughter of our grandsons in our home and the smiles and waves of our granddaughter on FaceTime.

                                                   

 

 

 

 

 

   

 And life goes on and the journey continues and the anchor holds and giving thanks and choosing joy remains our response.

      On our trip to Key West we visited the Mel Fisher Maritime Museum, which tells the story of this mans remarkable quest to find the sunken Spanish galleon Atocha, buried in the deep waters off of Key West .  Loaded with unimaginable treasure of gold, silver, other precious metals and jewels, this ship had eluded discovery for nearly 400 years, but Mel Fisher was committed to finding it, persevering through many hardships and deep personal loss.

                                                                                

 On his office desk sat a wooden sign with his motto for the search, the words he said to his crew every single day that they went out to sea during his more than 16 year search for the treasure, "Today's the day!"  And his search was rewarded on July 20, 1985, when he finally discovered the 1/2 billion dollar treasure trove!

                                      

        As I stared at the replica of the sign, I thought how " Today's the day" is a great motto for our lives. We also seek a treasure, but our treasure is not gold or silver or precious jewels, it is far, far more important and of infinitely greater value.

                                                                            

.     We seek the treasure of daily moments of grace, of precious jewels of time spent with family and friends, of seeing God's glory on display in His beautiful creation, and in the love and compassion of His people, of the golden assurance that we are held in His hand every moment and He is always at work on our behalf.

      Our treasure is His word in our hearts, His promises in our souls, His Spirit giving us assurance and power in our spirits as we journey through the highs and lows of life.  Our treasure is unseen but assured, it has been paid for in the blood of our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ,  and secured through His resurrection, it is waiting for us in Heaven but also given daily in the earnest money of each moment that we have eyes to see His hand, His heart, His grace in our lives.

                                                                             

     "Today's the day!"to claim the treasure that is offered to us, freely and lovingly and expansively, if we will only choose to lay hold of it.  I am choosing to get up every morning from now on with the expectation of finding treasure, boldly proclaiming as a reminder to myself, "Today's the day!"

I will daily choose to give thanks, to choose joy, to see grace all around me, and if I do this, the treasure will be mine!                                                 

                                                                     
  One of my favorite hymns by one of my favorite groups, Selah, seems appropriate for this talk on treasure!          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKByTfiHOFE