This is my season of wintergrace.
After the long, dark, hard season of being lost in my own life last year following Bob's death, my move to Minnesota, the separation from friends and familiar culture and adrift from my own self identity (as I expressed in this blog post), I feel that I am coming into a new season, a softer and gentler place for my soul to dwell.
This wintergrace season is a place of acceptance, a place of release, a place of quiet noticing and wonder, of gratitude for the ordinary, of cherishing memories with joy...joy that doesn't deny grief but that is comfortable holding grief within it. Wintergrace makes space for God to lovingly draw me forward into this journey and out of the time I needed to sit in my losses.
Wintergrace is an embracing of today as a gift and this season in my life as no less a gift than all the seasons of my past.
Wintergrace is yielding to the reality that just as we live in the physical world where spring transitions surely into summer, summer yields to autumn and finally, autumn releases to winter, that there are also seasons of the spirit and seasons of our years on this earth.
Each season has its beauty and also its hardships, but it is God's grace in each season that can transform how we choose to live them, and especially how we respond to winter and what we allow God to teach us in the winter season.
(photo from publicdomainpictures.net)
"It is the time so well we love.
The time of all the year;
When winter calls with chilling breath,
For fireside and good cheer.
A time for man and beast to stand
And feel the season turn;
To watch the stars for secret signs,
And God's true lessons learn." (Jean Ritchie, Wintergrace)
I heard this song for the first time several weeks ago at a Christmas concert. The title, Wintergrace, captured my attention. The juxtoposition of "winter"--- my least favorite season, certainly not " the time so well I love" but always a time to complain, to endure and to hunker down in a survival mode until spring returned---and "grace", a word that has so much richness of gratitude and joy and love to me, the word that encompasses all of God's goodness and faithfulness throughout my life---was so incongruous and yet so captivating that it nestled into my mind and spirit.
I started pondering on what "wintergrace" could look like in my life if I embraced it.
Could I start thriving and not just surviving winter? Could I "God's true lessons learn" in this season of cold and snow and ice, of bare branches and empty flower beds, of long dark nights and short gray days of winter?
And what of the winter in my spirit, the empty place of loneliness and feeling adrift in living as a widow and as a sojourner in a place that is not my home? Could wintergrace bring new hope and growth there?
Having recently celebrated a decade turning birthday I have also been "numbering my days", as the Bible says, reflecting on this new season of my years here on earth and what God is saying to me and desiring for me in this winter season as I age. And, make no mistake, I have recognized that the Autumn season of my life has passed surely, irrevocably, definitely into the Winter and final season.
I may not feel old, I may not self-identify as a senior citizen, I may reject the labels and expectations and limitations of my age, but the truth is, I am in the season of my life where the journey on this earth is very,very,very much shorter than the journey behind me. And so, I have been asking, "How then should I live?" "How do I want to be defined in this season?" "What matters most in order to finish well?" "What is God's purpose for me in these years?"
I found these words in Psalm 92:14-15a in the Amplified Version: (italized pronoun changed by me)
[Growing in grace] she will still thrive and bear fruit and prosper in old age;
she will flourish and be vital and fresh [rich in trust and love and contentment]. She is a living memorial to declare that the Lord is upright and faithful.
This is what it means to me to live in wintergrace...God's grace still producing growth, fruit, making me thrive and prosper and flourish in Him!
Several years ago, I saw these words on a church sign:
OLD AGE DOESN'T ALWAYS BRING WISDOM.
SOMETIMES, IT COMES ALONE.
Let that one sit a minute :)
Unfortunately, often old age not only doesn't bring wisdom, it sometimes brings some unpleasant companions....bitterness, resentment, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, resignation and apathy among others. I do not want to be an old lady who brings these companions with her!
I don't want to spend this season looking back in regret or sorrow or longing for what is over.
I also don't want to spend this season in dread and fear for what is to come.
And I know it is only through God's grace and the work of the Holy Spirit as I yield to him daily that I can live a flourishing life. My default setting is a melancholy personality...I am more Eeyore than Tigger! But, praise God, He can change me even now in this winter season of life!
So, I am intentionally choosing to embrace winter and change my viewpoint of it ---these winter months of the year, and also in the season of my spirit, and in this season of my years left on earth.
These months of January and February, I am redefining how I experience the physical season of winter through the practice of hygge, (hue-guh : creating a warm, cozy atmosphere with an enjoyment of the moment) by deliberately choosing to notice and enjoy the simple pleasures of winter...
the comforting sensation against my skin of cozy sherpa lined socks, velour pj's and a fleece robe on a chilly morning...savoring the complexity of taste in Mexican hot chocolate with chili pepper....the sense of well-being of snuggling in a fuzzy throw, engrossed in a book near a flickering candle on a sub zero day...
... the beauty of diamond-glitter as sunshine sparkles on a blanket of snow and the artful contrast of pure white snow icing on a grove of black, bare branched trees against a soft gray sky...
..the winter scents of my apple-pumpkin candle (reminiscent of the aromatic pipe tobacco Bob smoked in our early years), the comforting chicken soup simmering on the stove, the spicy mix of cinnamon, cardamom, ginger and cloves wafting up from my Chai latte, the sharp, crisp scent of cold air when I first step outside on a winter morning...
...the pleasure of watching my grandchildren's pure enjoyment of tasting, throwing, sledding, falling into and laying in the snow...
....the comfort of walking into my warm apartment, twinkling tiny lights around the window, pictures of loved ones on shelves and tabletops and dearly treasured items from the past to welcome me home.
(my bentwood rocker was a Christmas gift from Bob early in our marriage and has moved all over the country with us)
Spiritually, I am continuing to practice eucharisteo ( this post ),by beginning each morning in thanksgiving, naming things big and small for which I am thankful in my life...
.
Because, there is always, always, always something to be thankful for!
Each morning, I read the verse I quoted above from Psalm 92 and ask the Lord to grow me in His grace in this way. I list Bible verses that remind me of God's attributes and love and faithfulness and I meditate on these things. I am making a list of places in the Bible where God tells me to be glad, to be happy, to rejoice and I see that none of this is tied to my circumstances.
And as I think of how to number my days in this season of aging, I look for God's hand in the opportunities He sets before me.
The church where I was feeling adrift has offered me places to serve and a place to connect, grow and share with other women in my season of life.
My family brings joy and the privilege of praying for my children and grandchildren and investing my time and energy into their lives.
My friends, although far away, also give me the joy of praying for them in their challenges.rejoicing with them in happy times and of offering to them, and receiving from them, encouragement, love and affirmation.
Even Facebook is an opportunity to be a testimony to God's faithfulness and to share a verse or thought or smile to bless one of the many people God has woven into my life through the years. Although we may never meet again here on earth, we were put in each others lives for a reason and can still be grace-givers and hope-fillers and speak truth and encouragement into each others stories!
Psalm 92:4 says, "For you, O LORD, have made me glad by your work: at the works of your hands I sing for joy. " And in verse 14 God promises, " They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green."
I see a connection between these two verses...
It is a glad heart, caused by eyes that seek and find the works of His hand in our lives, that will produce fruit and make us fresh and green in winter seasons of hard times, of loss, of all the "it wasn't supposed to be this way" things that come into our lives over and over as we sojourn on this earth.
It is the work of the Holy Spirit to cause growth and fruit and make me glad, but my will must choose to open to His work in order to receive the gift of wintergrace.
This is my hope, my prayer, for however many winter days, months and years that God has ordained for me, that God's wintergrace will keep me fixed on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, so that I will be green in winter!
And this is my prayer and hope for you, dear one, whatever your winter season is right now!
" May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all." 2 Corinthians 13:14
Wintergrace is yours for the accepting!
