Learning as I journey...thoughts on Grief, Grace and Glory

Come, sit a spell with me. The coffee is brewing, the banana bread is just out of the oven--don’t you love those aromas? Listen, the bird choir is trilling their morning praises. I’ve opened the blinds so we can see the daffodils on the hillside…do you need their cheerful promise that spring is really coming as much as I do?

 

Winter has been too long this year, like an unwanted guest lingering at the door, unwilling to say goodbye and take his leave. My grief has found a mirror in his gray skies, chill winds and bone deep cold.
                                                                                
Maybe you’ve felt it too? It may not be, like mine, from the loss of a beloved husband.

                                                           
It may be another loved ones death.
   Or perhaps a different kind of death---
        the severing of a close friendship or family relationship,
                      the fracturing of a church family,
                          the burying of a long cherished dream,
                                     the abrupt termination of a profession or ministry that provided identity, purpose...


There are many losses in life that produce real, deep and heartfelt grief.

If this is not you, if not now, maybe someone you love is in this season and you are walking it alongside them. Maybe these words will help you to help them.

Settle in, my friend, as I share what God’s grace is teaching me. In winter’s dark gloom, yes, but also in unexpected moments where grace and glory break through in soul stirring light as I make my way through this journey.                                         

         

I share only as a sojourner, still learning with feet unsure to walk this road on which God is leading me. I have only my experience and God’s truth through His Word to share with you, but I offer them in hopes to comfort you (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) and to encourage and build you up in the Lord.(1 Thessalonians 5:11) .

I want you to know that grief is not neatly confined to a list of stages, it doesn’t follow a predetermined time line , there is no clearly marked map for this journey and it can’t be reduced to a formula.

 Grief is unruly, it is unexpected, it breaks boundaries and surprises you with its intensity when you think it is under control, then holding back as if not there at all when you most likely would expect it to unleash its full power.
For example, I went through Bob’s birthday in January with barely a tear, but dissolved in wrenching sobs a few days ago when I saw a grandfather walking down the sidewalk beside his little grandson...something my precious grandchildren will never have again.
                                                                                   
    I want to you to know that I am learning that grief is as deeply individual as the person who grieves, as unique as the person who is being grieved and as singular as the relationship they shared.
    I cannot presume to assume that I know what another widow is feeling or what shape her grief will take or how she should walk through it.

    I cannot presume that, even though I have buried my sister, my mother, and my dad as well as my husband, that I have any special insight into how someone else should handle these same losses, or any other loss.
    Our shared grief means I can sympathize, even empathize, even know some of the depths of hurt they are experiencing, but we are all different, with different personalities and spiritual resources and needs, and we help by respecting each other in those differences as we journey forward in grief.

 My timetable is not yours,

        my reactions are not yours,

                     my reality is not yours.

                       What you may see as denial is not necessarily true.

                          What you may think is moving forward and coping well is not necessarily true.

  And my interpretation of your grief expression may not be true, either.
 Only God knows the heart of His children and He alone knows how and why and what each of us needs in our grief.  And He doesn't judge us for it.

We need to give each other a lot of grace in grief.

We best help one another by loving and praying and listening and grace gifting each other to walk freely through our journey without the weight of expectations or external timetables.
We need to validate to one another the reality of the loss without trying to hurry the process of grieving or minimizing the time it may take for someone to adjust to this new reality of life.

I need you to remember that my grief is a present reality, not a past event.  I need to remember this for other people, too. The sharp edges of grief may not continue to pierce as often or as deeply, but whether it is 8 weeks or 8 months or 8 years, you are forever altered by your loss and it is always a part of you.

I want to share that the path of grief is made more bearable when other people show up to walk with you.

Grief is lonely and isolating, but contact from friends ease the loneliness by acknowledging that your grief is deep and real and it hurts and someone else cares about that. 

 On days when the cord of grief wraps me tightly in its hold, a phone call or text  or facebook post from a friend loosens the stranglehold and lets me breathe, lets me laugh, lets me remember that Satan is wrong and I am not alone on this journey. The friends who have been present for me have been a lifeline.

It isn't what they have said, it's that they said something...they showed up.
Nothing hurts more than the silence of a friend when you are grieving.

I am learning that joy can exist alongside grief, and neither cancels the other.

In a scene from a recent episode of the T.V. show, This is Us, the mother of the family, Rebecca, is on her knees in her sons kitchen, cleaning up a broken dish. She has just helped deliver her first grandchild, and as her son Randall walks in and sees tears pouring down her face, he questions uncertainly, “Mom?” She looks up and answers, “This was one of the happiest days of my life”. Randall, confused, asks, ”So, these are happy tears?” Softly, she explains, “But your Dad wasn’t here. And for the rest of my life my happiest moments will also be sad ones because he won’t be here to share them”.  YES. THIS.

In the nearly 8 months since Bob went home to Jesus, I have had many, many moments of joy, of laughter, of pure fun and pleasure. But there is always the reality of the absence of his presence along with the joy.
                                                                   
In all these things, the most important thing I have learned is that God’s grace really is sufficient. His word assures us that He will give grace and glory and He does, yes, He does!
 He comforts (Psalm 119:76),  He restores (1Peter:5:10),  He provides( Philippians 4:19), He hears my cries, (Psalm 34:18),  He meets me in my loneliness (Deuteronomy 31:6) He calms my fears (Isaiah 43:1-5), He strengthens me when I grow weary from grief and loneliness (Isaiah 4-:28-31) He always understands me, (Psalm 139:1-6),  He quiets my spirit and restores my soul (Psalm 23) and lifts my mood (Psalm 92:4)
He gives more grace when it is needed most…through His Word, the Bible, through the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit, through songs and hymns, through other people, through memories, through unexpected beauty in creation and art, in all these ways and more God’s grace embroiders my days with His glory.
                                                                         

                                                                          

I have been in conscious pursuit of God’s glory these past few months.  It began with a Bible study, Glory Chasers , by another widow, Dorina Gilmore. Then it continued with the book A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman, and quotes and verses about God’s glory began leaping off the pages in my devotional reading. It has been the golden thread that God has woven through these winter days of grief, the shining strand of truth and hope and promise that has brightened griefs dark weave. I seek answers and insight...What does it mean to be created for His glory? How do I live that? How do I experience God's glory now? What will His glory be when someday I see it unveiled? How can God's glory impact my grief, my joy, my very life?  This quote captures me,  "Gods grace is His glory fully realized in us." (Mike Daniel)

And the more I receive of God’s grace and glory, the more I pray that I will be able to share that grace with others.

I have often failed to grant the grace to other people that I accept for myself.  I am so sorry.

If grief has taught me anything, I hope it has taught me to be more tender, more kind, more forgiving, more grace filled. I pray every day for this to be true in me.

We all are grieving something. Or we will be.

Let’s be grace gifters to each other in our grief. Let’s set each other free to grieve in our own way, in our own time, with love and support and grace to all. This is what I wanted to share with you. Now it's your turn....please comment and let me know what you are learning about grief or grace or glory....we are all sojourners together, all calling back encouragement to each other on the way!