Sometimes my eyes unexpectedly, suddenly, flood with tears.... catching me off guard as they flow down my cheeks, fierce and brief as a summer storm.
Sometimes a knife repeatedly stabs at my heart, as the searing pain of loss makes its presence known in the midst of an ordinary task.
But, also....
Sometimes I laugh out loud with delight at the words or funny actions of my grandchildren.
Sometimes gratitude floods my soul like sunshine, warming me with the memories of blessings past and awareness of blessings still present,
Sometimes peace wraps me like a fuzzy blanket and I feel the prayers of friends being lifted for me.
Sometimes all of these moments happen on the same day.
"I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on
For I am guided by the Faithful One."
This song, Faithful One by Selah, has spoken to my soul as I have been learning to walk without Bob these past weeks. In all of my past journey, even in the hardest times, I have been one of two....no, really, one half of a whole. God's design for marriage is that the two should become one, and for more than two thirds of my life I have been half of BobandDeborah (or BobbyandDebbie, as we were in our early years).
Now, I am missing the better half of me, and I must learn to navigate without Bob's steady, patient, loving, laughing, hopeful, faithful, kind presence beside me. I read in a blog for widows that when our spouse dies, the person we were with them also dies.
How could it not be, if we were truly one? And so, my journey continues while learning to be a new, single self.... with feet unsure but trusting that my Faithful One is still in control of my life and is guiding and steadying my steps.
A week after Bob went home to heaven, I was walking in the neighborhood, a route we had so often walked together this past year and a half since moving here. I was very aware that this was my first walk as a widow, alone.
As I was thinking this, the Holy Spirit whispered gently in my spirit, "No, never alone, no, never alone. You've promised never to leave me, never to leave me alone". *(see link below to listen)
An old hymn, not sung in years, yet there in my subconscious, waiting for the Spirit to assure me with its truth that as God's precious child , I am not alone even now. And, as I softly sang and walked, more songs came to me, Just a Closer Walk with Thee, I Must Tell Jesus, What a Friend We Have in Jesus, Great is Thy Faithfulness....and the sky became bluer and the sun shone more brightly, and the wind caressed my face more softly and I walked in thanksgiving and even in joy.
I began this year, 2017, as I have the past few years, by choosing one word to purposefully focus my life, my thoughts, my goals and responses on, one word to set as my challenge for the year. My word was "GLORIFY". Throughout God's Word, His people are exhorted to glorify Him in all they do, in all they say, in their very innermost being. John Piper's book, Desiring God, bases his theme on the Westminster catechism, "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever". Piper states that we glorify God by enjoying Him.
I wrote in my journal that in 2017 my daily goal was to every day purposefully seek to see grace, give thanks, and choose joy, for in doing these three things, I believe I will glorify God. I wrote: "I do not know what joys or sorrows, mountains or valleys await in the coming days. But, I know the Holy Spirit has led me to pursue joy this year. To study it, seek to understand it, but mostly to manifest it in my life. Not as an end in itself, but because only through joy does my life GLORIFY God. "
In a recent conference, Beth Moore quoted C.S. Lewis, who wrote, "Gratitude exclaims, very properly, "How good of God to give me this". Adoration says, What must be the quality of that Being whose far off and momentary coruscations* are like this! One's mind runs back up the sunbeam to the sun". I am seeking to go beyond even seeing grace, giving thanks and choosing joy to learning to follow the sunbeam of each gift, each small blessing, each moment of thanksgiving and joy back up to the sun, to truly adore and glorify the Source!
( *I had to look up coruscations: the definition included "a sudden gleam, a flash of light; sparkle and glitter"....I love this! The beauty and grace and gifts and mercies and small joys of our lives are just sparkles and glitter, flashes of God's great and marvelous light--His glory!
In all the losses in my life of this year, my mom, my dad, now the greatest loss of Bob , God has sent His sunbeams and given me eyes to see His hand of grace working through all the circumstances in every situation. He has enabled me to find so many things to give Him thanks for each day. And, even in the valley of sorrow, I have been able to choose joy often. God's Word comforts, encourages, challenges, uplifts me. I read in Psalm 84:5-7, "Blessed are those whose strength is in Thee, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. As they go through the valley of Baca they make it a place of springs...they go from strength to strength".
Each of us in our lives will all pass through the valley of Baca (a valley of loss, of weeping, of desolation). The reasons and circumstances may differ, but no one escapes this life without some experience in the valley, and the context implies that we will pass through Baca more than once as we journey. But, the hope and assurance is that we pass through, we don't settle down and live in the valley! And the challenge and the hope is that as we pass through, for those whose strength is in the Lord, we will make this desolate place a place of springs....a place of renewal and refreshment and beauty and hope for not only ourselves but for others.
It is early days yet. I do not know what lies before me. I do not know how this journey through the valley will look in the days to come. I am at the beginning of the valley road and can only speak to this moment. But, for today, I walk with feet unsure while trusting the Faithful One who walks with me . I keep my eyes open for the sunbeams of His grace so that I may follow them up to the Source. My prayer is that God will use this for His glory and for my good and for the encouragement of others along the way.
** Here is a version of No, Never Alone that I enjoyed when searching for it on youtube:
No, Never Alone
